You probably don’t know this about me and honestly, it would be a bit weird if you did since it’s the first time I’ll mention this in my blog. So I’ll just drop the bomb and do the explaining later. Only a couple days ago I came out of the closet to most of my friends and relatives (this is the moment when you’re in shock maybe surprised but also proud I was brave enough to do it).
Now, let’s get to the explaining part…
I’ve suspected for years that I wasn’t an heterosexual girl, I mean, I wasn’t sure I really was a bisexual and I pretty much tried to deny it for some time. But deep down I’ve known for a long time I’m not straight. The thing is as I never had any experience with girls -besides thinking they were pretty or imagining make out with one- I wasn’t really sure I would like the real part of it. You know, maybe I imagined myself in the situation and loved it but when I got to it in reality it felt awkward or unpleasant or simply not awesome.
Anyway, I thought I wouldn’t tell anyone until I could make out with a girl and see if reality matched my expectations. So I spent about four years hiding the fact that I liked some girls. I had boyfriends and stuff but didn’t allow myself to explore this other part of my sexuality.
In parallel to all of this, I had sort of fallen in love with a friend (who happens to be a girl). She introduced me to the concept of bisexuality when we were about thirteen and came out of the closet about two years after that. We spent a lot of time together, but I never mentioned what I felt for her because I was still in the denying stage I mentioned above. So I tried to pretend nothing happened, which wasn’t very hard since she didn’t share my group of friends and no one really knew how close we were to each other. It was even easier when she changed schools last year (which honestly hurt a lot since I suspected she wouldn’t be around at all, which actually became a reality).
So as I mentioned in previous blog posts, last week was my graduation trip -we had an amazing time, thanks for asking- and she came with us. Once again I had to face her which was very hard even if I had more or less accepted the idea of being bisexual. I had still never been more than friends with a girl and had tried to avoid liking them because my school is a bit judgemental and I didn’t want to go through all of that.
Still I got drunk at a party and we made out and I was so so so happy (not only because of the alcohol, I promise). Some friends helped us stay together the whole night while avoiding other kids’ mean comments and looks. Yet I had to deal with that the next day, but I never regretted the kiss.
Before you start thinking I’m a naive little girl that is in love again after one night, I’m not, because this isn’t the point of this post at all. The point is, I was not only able to accept my sexuality and enjoy it, but I was also able to go through the mean comments of my classmates and end the day alive and well.
Still I think it is very important to add that I knew I was in a “safe space”, not because the comments weren’t mean -they still are- but because I knew that the reaction of people that found out wasn’t going to go anywhere besides comments and jokes. Once again, I’m not at all justifying these people, but I want to make clear that I probably wouldn’t have done it if my security and life were in danger for coming out. I don’t recommend it for anyone that could suffer from anything besides looks and some comments because it might be very dangerous.
Coming back to my happy story, I am in love with the girl, I can’t refuse it because I’d be lying. But everything that happened gave me the courage to talk openly about the subject with friends and explain it to my mum and even if it is still very new and a bit scary, everything turned out better than I expected. I still don’t know what to do about the girl, but I’ll see what happens.
Have an amazing day and please feel free to share your stories with me.